Reorientation

I am, you anxious one.

Don't you sense me, ready to break
into being at your touch?
My murmurings surround you like shadowy wings.
Can't you see me standing before you
cloaked in stillness?
Hasn't my longing ripened in you
from the beginning
as fruit ripens on a branch?

I am the dream you are dreaming.
When you want to awaken, I am that wanting:
I grow strong in the beauty you behold.
And with the silence of stars I enfold
your cities made by time.

-Rilke

Some things have happened since my last post on waiting. After some time waiting on a car, God dropped the best deal possible into lap. I got the exact car I wanted at a price I never would have dreamed of, and it all happened during a week I was off of work. I initially requested the week off last December, figuring I might want to have it off. Without that week free, the car never would have happened. So God's timing was just as perfect as the deal he gave me!

Then we come to waiting on work. I stumbled onto a job listing online this week that seems like a dream job, so I applied. Phone interview happens Monday, so well see where it goes. I refuse to force anything right now, because I know God's timing and provision are way better than my own. So I'll sit back, trust, and pray that what needs to happen happens. Living as God plans is one of the most frustrating things because it requires abandonment of self, but as the whole car situation shows me, the results are better than I can manage on my one. In God's timing my joy is so much greater.

The poem above offers me a fresh perspective on waiting. When I think of waiting, it is implied that there is something that I long for that I don't yet have. There's a problem here. I am putting my hope in future circumstances and things, not in God. He spoke to me in the poem saying, hey that longing you have is Me. It might be masquerading as things or situations, but you really want Me. You need Me to be at peace, you need to want Me.

Sitting here on my couch this morning I do feel a strong sense of anxiety. It's become hard for me to sit still and let my mind be at peace. That tells me it is time for me to reorient my longing and hope to God, time to turn my striving for things to a striving for intimacy with my creator. God please remind me each time I want that my want should be for you.