Brutal Honesty

I'm treading on some painful thoughts right now, and I am honestly scared to go where I'm being taken. Thats the theme of this...ill get back to it at the end.

Rewind to the beginning of summer. After a winter and spring of hard work, I was ready to pursue joys outside of the office come nice weather and normal working house. And man did I pursue me own joy. I filled my schedule and had so many quality hours with friends. I was looking for something, some type of rest or peace, knowing that I was pursuing exactly what I wanted to do. For some reason that seemed like what I was put on earth to do.

That season is drawing to close now at my own choosing, and all my searchings have come up empty. At the end of the day, even after hours with friends (which I think is a noble pursuit, mind you), I found myself empty. In all my joy, in doing exactly as I pleased day after day, I lacked. I still lack.

I'm realizing that there is an emptiness inside of me that cannot be filled by anything on this beautiful earth. This is a monumental shift for me! As much as I like to think that God is my ultimate pursuit, I am realizing that finding a mate holds the number one spot in my life. (How silly does that sound once written?!) This priority of pursuing a worldly companion over an infinite companion is a very easy trap in my opinion, and it is something that has to be corrected in my life. There is no way that a girl can fill the longing I have for companionship. It would be cruel of me to put that kind of pressure on someone. God must be first, and for some reason it has taken me years to discover that He is not. God, why teach me this today at my favorite coffee shop? Why wait so long?

So now to the painful part. There was once a time in my life when God occupied the number 1 spot, and those were the happiest days of my life to date. When He occupied that spot, the two most meaningful relationships I've ever had sprang to life. I was free to love others and God put wonderful people in my life to love. Through acts of my own stupidity those relationships have disappeared and the people have moved away. My stubbornness prevented me from seeing the mistake I was making, and now I get to deal with the consequences and sadness as I begin to mentally work through the thoughts of what I had and gave up....years later. It is not fun to look at where I am and know that I've had so much better in life. Heap on top of that the fact that my losses are all my fault.

Anyway, I think this is going to get a lot more painful before it starts getting better and before the healing begins. But, and this is a big but, I do have the distinct feeling that God is calling me to a fresh start. I have no idea what a fresh start means, but the idea has been on my mind all week.

Many more thoughts to come on this topic including some wonderful quotes from people way smarter than me....