Brother Lawrence

I started reading brother Lawrence's the practice of the presence of god this morning. In the first part of the conversations he talks often about everything becoming easy because he includes a dialog with god in all tasks. I love this idea, but find I am terrible at applying it. Looking back on the last 5 months or so I've made such little effort to bring god into my work. It makes me wonder how differently busy season would have gone had I maintained a running dialog with god. I don't know that the hours would have gotten any shorter or the work any easier, but I'm certain that I would have mentally handled the situation much better. My goal at the onset of the year was calm and collected reactions to stress. I'd say I started well in this pursuit but have gradually become worse and worse over the months. My mind is tired but that is no excuse. Perhaps the mental exhaustion is completely avoidable with some strength that is not my own? I look forward to my space over the coming months to reflect and to draw near to god once again. I'm thankful he is forgiving and always happy to have me back, because I'm no good at this relationship with him.

easter weekend

even though i've woken up to thoughts of work every morning and put in hours on saturday and sunday, i've been able to pull away from work a little through this long weekend. it has done some positive things for my mind.

im starting to dream of things that i havent experienced yet in bermuda.  when i have weekends again, i want half of them to be a response to my faith.  i want to wake up on sunday and go to church and then be in the community.  i want to do good with my time and not just my money.  if there are not ways to do this i want to create them.  i want to foster community and draw young people to faith.  i want to increase my own faith and find strength in it that i have never known before.  i want people to look at me and look at my relationships and know something is different.  i want them jealous and curious and i want the sole driver to be faith.  

busy season 2014

im nearing a year with PwC now and am racing towards the end of busy season 2014.  this has been the hardest season of my life without question, but i can say that I'm somewhat proud of how i have come through the whole experience.   the key events of 2014 so far in bullet points:

1. two full weekends off so far in 2014, with the next one coming in early may.  i may be a tired boy.  burn out is real.

2. successful internal audit projects, half-year reviews, first-time interim reviews, and year end audits.  lots of positive client feedback.  i am figuring out how to manage people/jobs and i have learned more than i can begin to describe.  and i cant wait for a new job.

3. zero busy season fights with the lady friend.

4. finding time to dine and interact with the lady friend's parents during their busy season visit.  they like me (and i enjoy them), and its impossible to understate how important that is.

5. witnessing a death in the office and being the person to call 911.  a tragic event brings things into the right perspective.

6. planned trips to atlanta in may (rosy graduates!!!!!) and northern ireland in june and august.  there will be some quick skips over to berlin and scotland i think.  a round at st. andrews may even be in order....

monday mar 3

today has been a nice day.  just now stopped work around 11pm after a good full work stretch.  God has been pulling on me today.  He has been fighting for my attention, and its a moving thing.  today i've longed for more out of life than what i'm getting right now.  i long today for margins to pursue God.  i long today for margins to respond to my faith in the community here.  my dreams are for a life that is so much more connected to God and living in pursuit of him.  

just as a way to relax ive been looking back through some picture of the last couple years, and i'm overcome by how good God has been to me.  somehow i've been selected to live a life of extreme privilege.  i get to work a job that pays me too well.  i get to live in paradise and have summers most could only dream of.  i get to spend time with a girl that is perfect for me, who stretches me, and who makes me long for the more in the first paragraph.  i dont know why its me that has been selected for these blessing.  all i know is that i just have to respond the right way.  God help me.

friday night

its friday night on the second work week of january and im laying in bed round 9.  my mind tells me i should be stressed with work or that i should feel alone on the night that everyone goes out in bermuda, but i dont feel any of those things.  despite how tired i am, im wide awake.  im eager and expectant.  in my ears is sigur ros.  in my hands is a cup of tea.  my mind is buzzing with the simple idea that im finding myself again.

i came home tonight around 7 after some drinks with friends, not quite sure how to fill the night. i tried tv, but turned it off quickly.  i went to the internet, but also quickly bored of that.  i read a chapter in a book, only to put it down.  everything is pulling me to simple meditation tonight, and i feel so refreshed by it.  the thought that keeps running through my mind is that i need to know God.  right now there is this little tiny desire for Him that i feel growing.  i said some simple prayers, like God please be more important and please influence my future - easy requests that may have big implications.  letting God in could seriously shake things up, but even being open to that brings so much excitement.  it gives me the kind of giddy feeling for my faith that has lacked for years.  it tells me that my life will actually matter and gives me a much greater sense of purpose.  what a great night.

2014

I woke up this morning happy - maybe even too happy knowing that busy season gets underway tomorrow. Happy thoughts in list form.

1. My first thought when my eyes opened was how comfy my bed was and how happy it made me to have less furniture in my room. Simple pleasures.

2. I went downstairs to make tea and read.  While the kettle was going I straightened up the kitchen. My new roommate made us muffins last night, so I've got no qualms pitching in and cleaning up. I think my house is going to be a warm, inviting place to come home to this year. This'll be the first time since leaving Atlanta that I'll be excited to be in my own place. Hard to understate how nice that is.  We three roommates buddied up on our only couch and watched a couple movies last night. It was a great end to a great day.

3.  Lucy. The sun shines a little brighter because of her. There's no doubt that having her around is a big reason this year is stacking up to be so nice and that my outlook is so positive.  Lots of thoughts on this point that I think I may save for its own post.

4.  Faith. As I sit here I'm listening to some Dave Crowder and reading some verses. My verse for the year is going to be Haggai 1:5-5. I've never tried to live a year according to a couple verses, but I think these should provide motivation to live differently. I want a breakout year. I want to get outside of myself this year and actually live a good life. I want God to matter. This point is as scary as it is exciting, but I think it could lead to some amazing adventures post Bermuda.

Goals

I've done goals each new year for a while now.  To start this year I looked back at last year's goals, just to gauge how I've performed.  The following goal caught my attention - "Pray daily about what the future holds.  Pray that I would not be in control."

I failed in sentence number one and two this year.  Actually, over the past two years I've ramped up the degree to which I try to control my future.  I try to play god I guess.  Anyway, this year God made a little mockery of me, not giving me the job I wanted but instead giving me one that is way better.  It was a good reminder that my plan is not the best one for me.  

This idea of control has randomly popped into my head twice today.  One of the implications of faith, and one of the things I feel really keeps me from going deeper, is a genuine fear of where I'll be led.  I am terrified of being asked to do something that doesn't fit into my plan.  What happens if I'm told to move half way around the world?  What happens if I have to reinvent the comfortable lifestyle I've created?  What happens if the work I'm called to is something completely new and outside my areas of expertise?   Scary questions, right?

During today I've been wondering when I will be able to let go - when I will be able to live a genuine faith that is not just that of a scared little boy.  For the first time in years, I think I feel the faintest signs of something deep moving in me, something that will see me start giving up myself.  It's early yet, but its terrifying and exciting.  My Bermuda adventure has been the time of my life, but I think there is something bigger lurking after June 2015.  Interesting, interesting thoughts to start the new year.