Goals

I've done goals each new year for a while now.  To start this year I looked back at last year's goals, just to gauge how I've performed.  The following goal caught my attention - "Pray daily about what the future holds.  Pray that I would not be in control."

I failed in sentence number one and two this year.  Actually, over the past two years I've ramped up the degree to which I try to control my future.  I try to play god I guess.  Anyway, this year God made a little mockery of me, not giving me the job I wanted but instead giving me one that is way better.  It was a good reminder that my plan is not the best one for me.  

This idea of control has randomly popped into my head twice today.  One of the implications of faith, and one of the things I feel really keeps me from going deeper, is a genuine fear of where I'll be led.  I am terrified of being asked to do something that doesn't fit into my plan.  What happens if I'm told to move half way around the world?  What happens if I have to reinvent the comfortable lifestyle I've created?  What happens if the work I'm called to is something completely new and outside my areas of expertise?   Scary questions, right?

During today I've been wondering when I will be able to let go - when I will be able to live a genuine faith that is not just that of a scared little boy.  For the first time in years, I think I feel the faintest signs of something deep moving in me, something that will see me start giving up myself.  It's early yet, but its terrifying and exciting.  My Bermuda adventure has been the time of my life, but I think there is something bigger lurking after June 2015.  Interesting, interesting thoughts to start the new year.