thanksgiving

its thanksgiving today and im in north georgia with my family.  they were all awake when i got up this morning and i was happy to learn that the turkey was already in the oven by 9am.  we've all sat around the tv for a part of the morning, and i've withdrawn from them for a quieter space.

the basement of the house we are in is cold - its 28 outside right now - but my tea is keeping me warm. sitting here reading through the daily office, i feel something special happening inside me.

there have been times over the last couple years when i realize how much i have changed since moving to bermuda.  i've become much more active and much more social.  part of that active nature has drawn me from the firmly-rooted centering in faith i used to have.  

there have been times when i wonder if i would ever feel like my old self inside again.  my grounding in my faith always kept me sane, but i have that grounding has been remote recently.  without it it feels like there is that little something missing at the end of every day, regardless of how good a day it has been.  its almost as if i gave up on growing my faith in order to grow the less important aspects of life.

having a grounding in faith provides motivation to become not just a different person, but a better person.  it encourages you to focus on others instead of yourself, but it also means you are proactive with thoughts and reflections.

the pull of god is becoming stronger in me and certain old thoughts and habits are slowly returning.  maybe its that ive moved through all the stages of culture shock in bermuda and i feel that i can be the old me here again.  i don't know, but i like it.  allowing god back in is hard. you have to open your heart.  you have to allow yourself to be emotional, and that is not easy for me.  you have to let feeling influence your actions, and that is scary.  i typically get hung up on all the challenges that faith brings, but returning to it right now i'm learning just to be still and know the loving person of god.  the result is immense joy - joy that takes you by surprise and captives your mind.  i was listening to bellarive yesterday on the plane and struggled to hold back tears realizing how much i am loved, despite who i am.  it was really humbling and i liked it.