Its a long process

When you move to a new place, it slows you down. Many of your old daily patterns, the things you regularly do that eat up free time, no longer apply. Its a time where you get to make conscious decisions about how to order your life. The knee jerk reaction of most people, including myself, is to fill that void with busyness and noise. Something has prevented me from doing that here, and I'm so grateful for that. I'm even thankful for being robbed, because it stripped away another something that could eat my time.

For the first time in years I have nice margins in my life. These margins have really freed up my mind. You know that feeling when you get to college and its a whole new world? One where you get to explore many new trains of thought, one where you get question any and everything. I'm having another round of that, and its exciting! I'm refining my daily habits. I'm adding bits to my morning pre-work routine that I've meant to add for years. I'm adding habits to my pre-sleep routine that I've neglected. I'm questioning my diet and my attitude towards work. Nothing is free of the questioning eye. It feels really nice to consciously make efforts to change, however small they may be. Change is a long process, and I'm just started into it.

The realization I've come to is that, if I want my life ordered in a way that pursues God and strives to make Him know, I've got to fight myself all day long. I've got to train "brother ass" as St. Francis would call it. This mental battle seems daunting from the onset, but it brings peace. Over the course of the last week, I've laid in bed to the sound of the wind and frogs and the words "I'm at peace" have played in my head. Wow! When is the last time you have laid your head down at night and ended the day with complete peace! I'm so thankful for this time.

All of this peace still oddly is still not without a caveat. My dreams nearly nightly are of my time in BDA being over, of me being home in PTC and having regrets for not doing so many things I wish I would have done. Its a nightly reminder that, yea it was a good day for you Haynes, but tomorrow is a new day with new struggles. Each day I need to begin anew with the same attitude of fighting to live a Godly life.