I fell hard for a girl, and I didn't even realize it was happening. The intensity of my own feelings has been a big surprise to me. Problem is, she isn't going for it. So as I try to pull away in my mind, its hurting.
Today as I rode into church the whole situation was really bothering me. I sat through church and couldn't have cared less about the words from scripture. No pull on me at all. One theme trumped what was happening around me. How could I care for someone like this, have them express at least some interest, and then nothing happen? How can I be this emotionally involved and still have to resign myself to being casual friends? I'm getting angry at God at this point.
And then something happened, which changed my mood around completely. This lady got up for to pray and gave the longest rendition of a prayer I may have ever heard. It was honestly ticking me off by the end. But during the prayer a switch flipped in my mind and assuaged all my stress. I realized that, while I feel really strongly for this girl, God loves me so much more passionately. Now that's a good realization, but here's the doozy - I give God the same treatment I'm currently receiving. I relegate someone that could give me more than I ever dreamed to a friendship of convenience. He longs to let me feel His love, for me to draw near, and my response is insulting. "Not right now God, when it fits better into my life I may give you the time."
Whoa. What a hypocrite I am.
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